I Changed My Mind About Self-Centered vs Selfish People. Here’s Why

Inherent/Acquired: Almost ninety percent of people are born self-obsessed. The degree may vary, but it is present in everyone. There are very few truly altruistic people in the world.

● Self-awareness is cultivated through years of meditation and analysis of our inner selves. It takes time and patience.

● No one is born truly selfish. Mostly bad circumstances or childhood trauma induces selfishness. It becomes a way to protect themselves from future bad or painful incidents.

Everyone has at some point been both selfish and self-centered. Depending on the situation, people tend to shift from one trait to the other. So it's very hard to draw a proper line between the two. But too much self-obsession can lead to selfishness.

Self-centeredness is present in all of us from birth. It comes from a desire to protect and improve ourselves. It's almost akin to our instinct to survive, albeit not as important. Selfishness may stem from bad occurrences in life or previous trauma. Such incidents drive us to fulfill our needs before others. This trait comes from a place of protection of the self. It is similar to the instinct of self-preservation.

There is a very fine line between the above three traits as they fall on the same spectrum of emotions. So how do we know to avoid being selfish? How do we embrace centering our self and becoming self-aware? Let us look at some major traits to identify the same.

1. Needs of others v/s self:

This is an important factor to distinguish between the three personalities.

● Self-aware people think about others as much as themselves. They understand that sometimes the needs of others may be more urgent than their needs. So those need to be fulfilled first.

● Self-absorbed people give their desires priority over others. But, once they are achieved they help others attain success too.

● Selfish people are the extreme of the lot. They always put themselves first. Even when they have got success they don't bother about others.

2. Positive/Negative reframing:

Every emotion or trait can be classified as positive or negative. But, there are also ambiguous traits like self-absorption which can be both, depending on the intensity.

● Self-awareness is having a thorough knowledge of the self through analysis and meditations. It is always good to be aware of our nature, strengths, and weaknesses. It helps us live a calm and happy life. And so, this trait falls into a positive frame.

● Self-centeredness if gone overboard can cross into selfishness and make a person undesirable. But, done in the right amount it makes us independent and strong. We are the captain of our own ship then.

● A person's selfishness always has negative consequences irrespective of how selfish they are. As there is no concern at all for others, it may also end up harming people in the long run.

Selfish people are only takers and not concerned about others. E.g. Imagine you have to go to a restaurant and have a 9 p.m. reservation.

● A selfish person will complete their show and only then leave the house. It doesn't matter if you miss the reservation.

● They always put their needs above others.

A selfish person will keep you waiting at the airport in spite of promising to pick you up while they spend extra time at the hairdressers. Even though they do not respect your time always, a self-centered person would not go to that extent and pick you up on time.

Example of a self-centered person:

If you tell a self-absorbed person your cousin or someone close to you passed away, they would not immediately sympathize with you.

● First, they would tell you about the time they lost a loved one. How bad they felt about it or how their world crashed.

● They might even tell how sad they are that you would have to cancel your vacation plans to attend the funeral.

● They would basically focus on how bad it was for them in the same situation as opposed to you.

Suppose you have a major exam tomorrow and have to study for it. A self-absorbed person has no respect for your time and ambitions.

● They will call you to hang out with them or go to events.

● If you refuse, they will throw tantrums and use emotional blackmail till you agree.

● It does not matter if you pass or fail the exam, as long as you do their bidding.

However, once you attend the event or go to them, they might help you study for the exam for some time. They agree to help you only because to listen to them and they can control you. But they do think about you too.

1. Preoccupation with self/others:

Selfish people are always out to look for ways to succeed, at times at the cost of others. So they also observe what others do.

● If selfish people see someone succeeding they might bring them down so they can go ahead of others.

● Self-centered people are rarely concerned about others. They are too busy obsessing about themselves.

2. Helping others:

Both self-absorbed and selfish people think of themselves before others. However, there is a major difference in attitude here:

● Selfish people do not think of helping others once their work is done. They move on or may even hamper others' progress so that they are the only people who succeed.

● Self-centered people start helping others once they take care of themselves. Once they are satisfied and happy they look to do the same for others.

A person is made up of many traits which are like double-edged swords. You do too much of something and you may falter. But you do too little of something considered to be bad you may lose out too. Self-centeredness is one such quality. Too much or it borders on utter selfishness which is nasty. But, too little of it and you may become a pawn in the hand of others.

So, how can we know when we overdo it? How much is too much? Are there signs that we can look out for the difference between being selfish and being self-centered? Self-centeredness is concerned with looking out for oneself first. A self-centered person has a good amount of self-worth. Selfishness is only to think of oneself, sometimes at the cost of others.

Difference between self-centered and selfish people:

1. Sense of self:

A self-absorbed person has a very strong core. They can identify with a very deep sense of self. This has been built over years of taking care of one's needs regularly. Selfish people are shallow and only have self-interests which they fulfill at the cost of others. They do not have a secure sense of self.

2. Attitude to sharing:

Selfish people very often do not share much about themselves. Their future plans, ambitions, etc are all hidden for fear of others succeeding before them. Self-obsessed people share every detail about themselves for praise from others. They want to be appreciated for the littlest of things.

Life is generally full of struggles, but it has its fair share of happy days too. But with a few good habits like meditation, being in the present, and managing our time efficiently, we can strive to make life a bit easier.

The key is not to take ourselves and life too seriously all the time. Life is not a destination or a goal to be met. It is a journey that has to be taken a single day at a time while savoring every moment.

When we are in the present pursuing our hobbies and goals with full focus, the peace we feel is often unmatched keeps us distracted from constantly thinking about the hardships of life.

Getting lost in this endless existential crisis cycle gets a person lost and depressed eventually, and life is hard for such people. Instead, we must just choose a path and not dwell too much on the purpose of life and just enjoy the journey at the dawn of each day.

Most of us become involved in making other people happy, be it our friends or loved ones. When we see them happy our heart smiles. This may work for a while, but in the long term, it may become tiresome when we don't see our actions reciprocated.

The truth is everyone is busy with their own lives, and so we feel left out. This unhappiness translates to us thinking, why is life hard? Instead, do things and explore hobbies that make you happy, and gradually you will be able to enjoy your own company and find smooth life sailing.

When any activity is done at an extreme, it slowly burns us out, and we may lose interest in it completely. So, it's important to have balance in life.

When we only do activities we like, such as binging on Netflix, playing video games 24x7, etc., instead of everyday boring tasks like cleaning and other household chores, our house may end up messy, and we end up ordering and eating outside food.

This not only affects our health but also our moods and everyday life. We may eventually feel life is hard and get stuck in an endless loop of binging and playing. It's important to manage our time well and perform both our chores and hobbies in a balanced way.

Everyone is expected to have a particular lifestyle in society. A decent job, cozy two-storied home or two-bedroom apartment, a good-looking partner, and two sweet children. Anybody who strays from this path is shunned and ignored. This fear of being an outcast is what makes most people give up on their dreams and conform. Over time this becomes suffocating and makes life tough for a lot of people.

We live in a society wherein the rich are getting richer in today's world, and the poor are getting poorer. There are welfare schemes for the poor and tax rebates for the rich. But what about the majority of middle-class people?

Ever since we are born, we have to painfully struggle to get into good schools, good colleges, and even get good jobs. Due to overpopulation, even that is hard. The rich can pay their way through everything, whereas the poor and middle-class are left helpless. This unfairness in society is a cause of many hardships in life.

Man is a social, emotional animal. When we have no control over our emotions, we may end up making impulsive and rash decisions that may make life harder. It is important to learn and practice a certain degree of emotional intelligence to make sound decisions in life that might save us a lot of pain in the future. Sometimes, such bad decisions may also cost us monetarily.

Our jobs and relationships become more meaningful when we have a purpose attached to them. Without an end goal in life, our actions start becoming empty, and we keep questioning the reason for doing things and being with people.

When we are unaware of who we are and what we want in life, we endlessly chase jobs and people and are dissatisfied most of the time. This is why life is tough. The more we explore our inner selves and know who we are, the more we choose jobs that suit us or date people we like. This brings a tremendous amount of happiness in the long run and makes life easy. Self-love is the key to contentment in life.

Caring about the opinions of others since a young age and has been a major cause of unhappiness. Life is not easy when we are constantly living in fear of what others think of us.

Sometimes even when we make crucial decisions or plan to follow our dreams, this question always pops up - What will he/she think? We then get discouraged from living life the way we please and give in to social pressure.

Life is full of painful struggles, and bad things happen to good people. When we constantly see only the bad instances in our life, we become discouraged and feel as if success will never be ours.

In these times, life seems pretty hard. But such times do not last. When we learn to look at bad situations as learning experiences, even the negative becomes positive.

All of us have had dreams of working in a high-paying job, owning a big house with a family, and setting off on annual vacations. But what we don't realize is the sheer amount of hard work and discipline it takes to achieve these. What we see in our dreams is the end-product.

Many people make the mistake of planning to achieve these goals in an unrealistic frame of time. E.g., trying to drop 100 pounds in a month. Without knowing about diet, exercise, fat burning patterns, etc., we get disappointed when we can only lose 20 pounds in a week. Had we analyzed weight loss regimes and dietary plans to set an achievable target, we would be happy with even a 20-pound loss. This would have also given us a sense of achievement.

Many times we look at others and think that the grass is greener on the other end. We look at our friend's expensive car or huge house and wish we were in their place. However, not everyone reveals their difficulties to others. Especially in social media, all these Instagram models or families that show their perfect life make us wish for the same.

But we don't know of the amount of maintenance needed for such a life or the social pressures that come with it. Most models use filters to get the perfect look on camera. It is difficult being in the limelight constantly. Instead, we must focus our energies on improving our own life and achieving our dreams. We must be proud of our accomplishments without comparing them with others.

Growing up, most of us have had wonderful moments and memories as children! Endless games in the park during summer vacations, funny days playing pranks in school, sleeping peacefully in the arms of our parents are some nostalgic times to visit back.

Life was easy, and laughter was aplenty. However, as we grew into adults going through various phases of college, graduation, and finally, job, marriage, and having kids of our own, life became harder. So what shifted? Did the times change, or did we? Or was it a bit of both?

As responsibilities grew with each stage, so did our worries. Even though we each have our apprehensions in life depending on our circumstances, some common reasons plague us all, making life harder than we pictured growing up. Here are some of them :

Being tethered to the past:

Nowadays, it is hard enough to be completely present mentally, what with various distractions such as social media on our phones. However, life is tough when we are still busy reliving the moments in our past.

Particularly if they are unpleasant memories. Ranging from heartbreaks to failures or even grave memories lie losses of loved ones, these cause us nothing but sadness and pain if we still cling to them in the present.

Some of us even have happy memories we reminisce about, sometimes quite often. We must remember that past glories and achievements are done and dusted. There is no point wasting our time over them. The present is the time to set more goals and work towards greater wins.